


better than a coward and a fool

by suneye



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (if you squint!) - Freeform, Angst, Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of Crying, Mortality, Other, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, too many run-on sentences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 02:43:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18489667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suneye/pseuds/suneye
Summary: Magnus needs his best friend. And though he doesn't know it, she needs him, too.





	better than a coward and a fool

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for two instances of suicidal thoughts/ideation and mentions of it. This is already in the tags but I thought I'd give an extra warning just in case.

He knows it’s late. He knows she has a kid to put to bed and work in the morning. He knows he has no right to dump this all on her. But he can’t help it. It’s like his body pushes itself off the shop’s floor, like his fingers turn the key in the lock and his feet carry him to her apartment by themselves.

Catarina is still in her scrubs when she opens the door. She must have just gotten back from work - and had a long shift too, if the bags under her eyes are any indication. But the tiredness vanishes from her face, replaced by concern, the second she sets eyes on him.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” is her greeting, and Magnus realizes when he opens his mouth to answer that that’s because he’s about to cry.

He gets one word out, or something close to it: a broken sob resembling her name, before the tears come and he collapses into her open arms and buries his face in her neck and cries until he feels lightheaded and empty inside. She pulls him inside, whispering reassurances, and with one arm wrapped tightly around his waist, takes him to the kitchen. There, she pours him a glass of water and holds his hands over the table as she waits for him to catch his breath.

“Magnus, what the hell happened?” she asks finally.

Magnus shakes his head and sniffles miserably. “He doesn’t love me,” he chokes out, the wound still fresh. “He _left_ me, and I couldn’t-” Another sob wrenches it’s way out of his throat with an ugly, guttural sound and he pulls his shaking hands out of Catarina’s to cover his face with them. “Cat, it _hurts_! I don’t know what to do!”

“Oh, baby,” she sighs, her expression anguished, and shifts her chair closer to his so she can hug him again. “I’m so sorry. I know it hurts. I know. It’s okay. I’m here.”

Magnus is stiff in her arms, numb under her kind eyes and empathetic voice. He shouldn’t have come. He should have learned his lesson when he drove Alexander - and everyone else - away and suffered alone on the dusty floor of Maryse’s shop instead of coming here to burden poor Catarina with all this. He should have fought harder against Alec last night instead of letting Alec hold him and comfort him and tell him he loved him; then maybe he wouldn’t be here right now, breaking down in the arms of yet another person who deserves so much better than him.

After a few minutes of sitting there and holding him, she asks if he wants to spend the night. He says yes, because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go and because having her so close dulls the unbearable pain in his heart somewhat. It’s not much, and he still catches himself thinking about dark waves and the prospect of peace and quiet every few minutes, but it’s the most anyone can do for him right now, and he doesn’t want to lose it.

“I really thought he was the one for me, you know,” Magnus says miserably as Cat hands him a blanket on the couch and sits in the chair by him with the clear intent to remain there until he’s asleep. “I thought after everything, I was gonna be _happy_ . With him. And now…” Now, he’ll never be happy again. Not like this. “I’m such an _idiot_!”

“You’re not an idiot,” she says. “At least, not because you dared to believe in love. That makes you brave, if anything.”

“Brave,” Magnus echoes, “and an idiot.”

“Better than a _coward_ and a fool.” She leaves the chair to join him on the couch. “I don’t know anybody who loves as deeply and as intensely as you do. Of course it’s going to hurt when it’s over. And with everything else happening in your life right now…” She shakes her head. “I can’t even imagine. But in time, that suffocating pain in your chest that you get every time you remember that you have to live without someone you _can’t_ live without...it will fade. You’re going to survive this. I promise.”

“You sound like you’re speaking from experience,” Magnus says.

Catarina looks at him sadly and reaches out to brush his hair back out of his face. “I am.”

The realization seems to hit them both at the same time that they’ve never dealt with heartbreak quite like _this_ before. No one has ever invited Magnus in, accepted every ugly part of him, loved everything he despised about himself, been so sure of their future together, promised him that it was okay, that _he_ was okay, that he didn’t have to hide or be ashamed or bite his tongue or pretend to be okay, quite like Alec had. No one has ever broken his heart quite like Alec just did.

And Catarina…she has never had to watch her friend - her _family_ of centuries - slowly wither away before her very eyes, his hair turning grey and his body growing weak and his mind deteriorating and not an ounce of happiness left in him, until he leaves her forever. She has never had to explain death to her daughter before. She has never had to do it alone before.

“I’m sorry,” is all Magnus can say.

“I know,” Catarina whispers back, eyes glistening. “It’s okay. We’re gonna be okay.”

He can’t bring himself to believe her, no matter how hard he tries. But when she puts her arms around him and her head on his shoulder, he holds her against him tightly and thinks he can pretend to.


End file.
